PLAY-ducation: Making Sense of the "Senses"

Email us at play@peekaboobeans.com to SAVE YOUR SEAT. 

And don't forget to bring a friend and your husband! 

Find out more about Andrea Chatwin HERE

Raising children in a digital world

Email us at play@peekaboobeans.com to SAVE YOUR SEAT. 

And don't forget to bring a friend and your husband! 

Find out more about Dr. Deborah MacNamara and the work she does with the Neufeld Institute HERE

Tweens Need to Play Too!!!

First off, let me explain why I want to share our community of amazing educators with you, and why I am a stand for our series “PLAY-ducation”.   

We are suffering a Play Deficit.  It isn’t hypothetical, it isn’t some social media farce gone wrong.  It is true.  Canada received a failing grade in the area of play.  A big F!  What would you do if your bean came home with an F on their report card, you would certainly pay attention.  So we are!  Play will not die off overnight, it will be a slow process and in generations to come, there will be no such thing of Free, Unstructured Play.  And generations will suffer. We will lose the vital skills that we need to grow into healthy, well-adjusted communicative adults.  

Insert our Play Series.  Different topics, amazing speakers, a night out to grow, learn and feel supported in your family values.  

This week we had the AMAZING Andrea Chatwin, our resident Play Maven and Certified Childhood Development Specialist come and talk about Tweens.  I was particularly excited about this topic because I have a tween. I see how my five year old plays unleashed and perfectly without any restrictions, but I notice as my first born, a once unleashed little girl now turned tween, is still young at heart but craving to be mature and grown up.  

So we created a presentation “Tweens Need to Play Too” and as always Andrea Chatwin NEVER DISAPPOINTS. 

Although hard to articulate the impact of what I learned, I will share a few key points:

Tweens need to play in order to develop into confident and competent young people. Their need for self directed, unstructured free play remains consistent even as they enter middle to late childhood, and moreover Neuroscience is telling us that children need to play for optimal brain development to occur!

What symptoms of over-scheduling may look like…

Psychological - Irritability.  Difficulty focusing. Difficulty concentrating. Behavioural difficulties.

Physical - Poor eating habits. Sleep difficulties. Headaches. Stomach aches.

Understanding the Pull to Electronics:

Artificial Mastery – electronics easily and quickly give the child/tween the feeling of “I did something well”. Making actual, real life mastery some what boring.

Immediate Gratification – the user feels relief and/or feels better faster than it takes when one goes out to play. 

Dissociative State – “I am no longer available emotionally in this situation”. children/tweens can shut out the outside world, they don’t have to feel anything or be connected with their inner worlds. They can be emotionally blank, yet still get immediate gratification.

Coming down from the technology high:

Mood differences post electronic play; Limited patience or impulse control; Difficulty focusing or attending to tasks; Impact on parent child relationship

Responding to your child/tweens behavior:

Step 1 – Empathy, Empathy, Empathy. Express to your child/tween that you fully understand what their experience is right now and why their request is so important (ie. I want to watch more tv). Get alignment.

Step 2 – Set your limit clearly and firmly (ie. tv is not for today).

Step 3 – Give your child/tween choices to return some control back to them. Refocus the issue on to something they do have control over (Ie. no tv before school, but when you come home you can decide if you want to watch 1 hour after school or after dinner).

How to Play with Your Tweens:

• Offer joint attention. Focus and value something just as much as they do. Join their experience. Find what lights their eyes, what causes them to be interested.  If only for 30 minutes a week be with them in whatever capacity they desire.  
• Playing with a younger child helps your tween to engage in healthy play activities without the concern that it is too babyish.
• Keep toys accessible. Even when kids/tweens claim that they are finished with “toys”, if they are accessible they will likely gravitate towards them in quiet times.
• Encourage natural play. Kids need to be outside, whether this is at a local park or in your backyards
• Play together as a family. Indoor games, outdoor activities, sports, crafting.

Join us Wednesday, October 29th for the next talk in our PLAY-ducation Series, "Raising Children in a Digital World" with Dr. Deborah MacNamara. Admission is by donation. All proceeds will be donated to Playground Builders. Please SAVE YOUR SEAT and RSVP to play@peekaboobeans.com.

In love and play, 

Super Beans - Jacob's Story

When we read the story of what Jacob and his family went through, we knew right away that he was a true Super Bean.  His spirit of play never stopped through his diagnosis of a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball.  He played hockey and soccer, and pushed through his symptoms everyday just to do what he loved doing.  The undiagnosed tumor was taking up a quarter of this six year olds brain causing severe headaches, which had been passed off as migraines by many experienced doctors.  He even had troubles pushing and lifting his right leg while playing hockey, depending on his stick for support; but nevertheless, Jacob kept playing!

Finally, after the whirlwind diagnosis, Jacob had to undergo an emergency surgery the following day to remove the tumor.  This is any parent’s worst nightmares come true.  Watching your child getting wheeled into brain surgery is not something that any parent, or child, should have to go through.

Over the next couple of days, a team of doctors and nurses monitored his progress and were given the positive news that the tumor was benign!  Even with this optimism, the recovery was still a windy road full of frustration, courage, tears, laughter, anger, but mostly determination.  There were days when Jacob could not walk and felt like he would never walk again, but once he made up his mind, he went for it.  He was rearing to go, so much where his first day of walking on his own two feet he took it upon himself to battle his father in a backyard water fight!

Jacob’s spirit of play was only growing in the following weeks.  He quickly returned to camping, sports, school, and of course, playing with family and friends.  Throughout the struggles Jacob had to go through, he had a special light that kept shining and kept inspiring.

This is a real life hero. This is one amazing Bean! 

Top 10 family resolutions

Originally posted on Modern Parents Messy Kids

When you think “kid-friendly holiday”, New Year’s Eve probably isn’t the first thing that springs to mind.  But just because the kids might not last long enough to see the ball drop, doesn’t mean they can’t participate.  In fact, New Year’s Eve is a great time to come together and set some family goals for the upcoming year.

In case you need a little help, we’ve put together a handy list of our Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Families.  You’ll notice that a lot of the items on the list are things that you’re probably resolving to do for yourself this year – we just added a family twist!

Get Outside More

If you’re a regular here, you may remember when I had the pleasure of attending an amazing talk on raising creative kids in a hurried world by Nancy Blakey. The entire presentation was fantastic but during the two hours or so of talking, there was a statement that really stood out: 90% of our best childhood memories take place outdoors.  I’m not sure what type of science was involved in coming up with this conclusion but as I thought back on my own childhood it certainly seemed accurate.  Activities such as camping, hiking, boating, swimming and just laying in the grass were pervasive.

Make a commitment this year to get outside more with the kids. That can mean hiking, bike-riding or camping.  But it can also mean simply exploring your back yard together.  For inspiration, see our series on how to set up Natural Outdoor Play Spaces as well as this post on The Many Benefits of Family Camping.

Also, check out one of my favorite books on the topic – 15 Minutes Outside: 365 Ways to Get Out of the House and Connect with Your Kids.

Practice Gratitude as a Family

I feel like I’ve talked about this a whole lot lately – to the point where you might be grateful if I just shut up about it already.  Nevertheless, the fact remains that the more grateful your kids are, the happier they’ll be their whole life through – and to me that’s something worth shouting from the rooftops.  For ideas on setting up a regular family gratitude practice, see this post (a part of our Happy Family Habits series).

Go on More Adventures

In researching this post (yes, that’s right, I didn’t just throw this thing together willy nilly), I came across a great list of New Year’s Resolutions the New York Time’s parenting blog, The Motherlode, put together by polling some of their favorite parenting authors.

One of my favorite ideas came from Laura Vanderkam, author of What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast, “Think about how you want to spend your downtime. Weekends, evenings and vacations can be opportunities for adventure, but we often lose them in front of the TV because we fail to plan… make a bucket list of the fun you want to have as a family — then get those ideas on the calendar.

Keep a Record of Your Life Together

From a similar post over on Disney Family, I love this recommendation from Mark Victor Hansen, best known for co-creating the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, who believes that there are a few very important gifts that parents can give to children in order to provide a sense of what is important.

“Give your children family pictures,” he says. “Create family memories and leave a pictorial family history. Keep a journal so that your kids can really know you…Maintain a library. The books you keep will give your children an idea of what you read, what was important to you and what you found influential. Kids can see where you have dog-eared a corner or underlined a sentence.”Read more of his advice here.

I’m totally smitten with that idea of creating a library to help your kids get to know you. One thing I would also add is not to forget to get yourself into your family photos. As moms, we’re often the ones snapping the pics (or sometimes even hiding from the camera), but we need to remember it’s such a gift to our kids to make sure they have photographic evidence of these years with you! Check out our post, Getting in the Picture with Your Kids, from professional photographer Kristin for tips on how to get in the picture.

Read Together

Studies have shown a steep decline in kids’ interest in reading around 4th grade.  You know what else not-so-coincidentally occurs around that time? Parents stop reading to their kids.  Make a concerted effort this year to read to, with, and around your children.  If your kids aren’t interested in story time before bed anymore, up the ante by graduating from simple story books to chapters of classic adventure books each night like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or (my personal favorite) the Red Wall Series.

And don’t forget the importance of modeling with your teenagers.  Consciously turn off the screens on a regular basis and pick up a book while in plain site of your offspring, encouraging them to do the same.  For even more help, check out our post on 7 Ways to Help Your Child Love Readingfrom our in-house elementary school librarian, Janssen.

Start a Family Game Night

Having a regular family game night is a great tradition to strengthen the family unit. Not only does it ensure time for connecting with each other, it also gets your kids in the habit of communicating with you – something that will pay-off big time when they’re older. Plus, with the right game, it can be really fun!

For help finding the perfect games for your family, check out our Top Picks for Family Game Night.

Give Warm Greetings and Farewells to Each Other

Another great suggestion from that list came from Gretchen Rubin, author of our latest Virtual Book Club selection, Happier at Home, “It’s easy to fall into the bad habit of barely looking up from games, homework, books or devices when family members come and go. For that reason, in my family, we made a group resolution to “give warm greetings and farewells.” This habit is surprisingly easy to acquire — it doesn’t take any extra time, energy or money — and it makes a real difference to the atmosphere of home.

Be Silly Together

This was another one of our Happy Family Habits from the past year that I think bears repeating. In the post, MPMK contributor Kristin wrote, “In raising kids, my husband is often the fun parent and I tend to be the one holding the fort down.  Many of you moms will side with me.  Someone has to keep this ship afloat. Over the past few years I’ve learned that there’s a time let go of the rules and what ‘should be done.’  There’s a time when the goal of having FUN is more important than anything else.  And being the organized mom that I am, I have a few tips on how to have fun.” Get all of her tips here.

Eat & Make Healthier Food Together

No New Year’s Resolutions round up would be complete without a mention of eating better.  As parents we all want to instill in our kids healthy eating habits that they can take with them into adulthood.  Check out our post, 9 Sure Fire Ways to Raise a Health Nut, for tips on just how to do it.

Challenge Each Other to Think More Creatively

Last, but not least, help kill the creativity crisis plaguing our youth by encouraging them to flex their creative muscles this year.  My friend Rachelle of Tinkerlab is my go-to source for raising innovative kids with amazing critical and creative thinking skills.  Check out her 5 Resolutions for a Creative New Year (#5 is my favorite and ties in nicely with #6 on our list).

So... what are your family New Year resolutions?  Ours? Of course it's to PLAY more! 

Visit www.modernparentsmessykids.com for more fun and playful posts. 

Making time.

18 things everyone should start making time for again.
Originally posted by Briana Wiest from Thought Catalog

1. Writing things by hand. Letters to friends, lists for the store, goals for the week, notes for lovers, thank you cards and memos to coworkers. Digital communication is easy and convenient but ask anybody: there’s a huge difference between texting someone to say that you love them and hope they have a great day and writing it on a note and leaving it next to their bed.

2. Savoring time to do nothing. Taking a cue from pre-industrialized society and cultures that enjoy siestas and long, drawn-out, sit-down teas that serve no other purpose than to spend time enjoying the time you have.

3. Thinking before responding. We’ve become too conditioned to require things immediately. Someone asks a question, and we have to respond that second. Such was not the case before instant messaging and comment threads. A sign of true intelligence and confidence, I think, is someone who takes time to consider the question at hand in a little more depth, and then offers a response.

4. Cooking a nice meal just for the sake of doing so. It really trains you to defy your need for instant gratification and of course puts you in touch with something that’s very human and can be lovely if done right.

5. Getting really dressed up for no other reason than just wanting to.

6. Books. Actual hard copy books that you can scribble notes in and mark off sections of and smell ink through and hear the sound of turning pages and bending spines while you read.

7. Making phone calls to relatives for no other reason than to just say hi, and to ask how they’re doing.

8. Disconnecting from technology frequently enough that we won’t be anxious and feeling like we’re missing something when we try to do so for an extended period of time.

9. Celebrating things with long, multiple course dinners that we hold for people as opposed to just drinking ourselves into an oblivion and being belligerent (that has it’s time and place, of course, but having thoughtful, celebratory dinners is a dying art).

10. Cleaning because it’s satisfying and doing things like painting walls or getting fresh flowers just because it’s therapeutic.

11. Spending time with kids, and doing kid things with them. They just know what’s up.

12. Answering things in a timely fashion, not putting off invitations and requests just because we can.

13. Making sure relationships are actually based on time spent with one another. People seem to be sustaining them through only digital means with increasing frequency and I can understand how that’s important if it’s temporarily long distance but in general, physically being with people is the only thing that will give you that sense of human connectedness.

14. Just sitting and listening to music. We’ve made music background noise in our everyday lives, but now and again we should just sit and enjoy it like people used to.

15. Traveling by train, or if that’s not possible, at least exploring places that you pass everyday. Especially if you live in a big city, there are always little hidden gems around that you won’t believe you lived without seeing while they were a block away from you all along.

16. Putting personal health and well-being first, as it often falls to the wayside in importance. This means, aside from the obvious, taking those personal days and using them to just relax. We’ve made such a quirky commodity out of enjoying napping and relaxing, as though doing so makes us boring and old. It doesn’t, it’s healthy.

17. Planning something, especially with someone else, as simple as dinner or as grandiose as a long vacation next year. You always need something to look forward to.

18. Stopping to talk to people throughout the day. Connecting with them genuinely, as such interaction is really important but is becoming increasingly less common. Turning our phones off when out to dinner (who even turns them off anymore?) and learning to not spend all of our time documenting whatever we’re doing for social media. It often takes away from the experience itself.


So whatcha waiting for... go and enjoy LIFE!  

hugs n kisses, the PB Playground. 

What to do with all that CANDY?

I was asked this week to write about “What to do With Your Halloween Candy.” 

My answer: “umm… how about, eat it??” 

As I looked around the room of this amazingly wonderful new generation of working, multitasking, gluten free, vegan, organic, bean loving, hand sanitizarama mamas, I suddenly felt like that was perhaps the wrong answer….(insert cricket sounds).

I realize that I’m starting to sound like my mom:  “Well, back in my days, we ate our Halloween candy.”  Although, hers was more of a different context: “Well honey, we used to walk up hill to school in the snow, both ways, in the snow – with no shoes.”

In my search for someone to side with my logic, a fellow candy lover directed me to a recent post on the Scary Mama blog: 

Back in the day, we ate ourselves senseless and gorged on things like Butterfingers, ghost-shaped marshmallows, candy corn, and a plethora of other treats derived from processed goodness. That’s right –– I said processed!  Do you want to know how I plan on spending Halloween? I’m kickin’ it old school. I’m going to coach my kids on the ABC’s of a good Halloween. A) Always trick or treat where the rich people live (duh). B) Binge (and binge and binge again). C) Coconut is for chumps. We’re going to target the houses that give out the Costco candy (that’s right, the whole effing candy bar!). Raisins on Halloween will cause a Zombie apocalypse. True story.

I had a good giggle at that. 

However, if you don’t mind risking the “Zombie Apocalypse,” here is what the world wide web says are the top 10 things to do with your Halloween Candy:

Send it to the troops. There are several organizations that let you donate your leftover Halloween candy to the troops. This is a special treat for the troops and can even help them in handing candy out to locals to build trusting relationships.
 

Donate it. You can donate your leftover Halloween candy to a local nursing home or women’s shelter or food bank. This is something worthwhile that you and your children can do to help others while also getting those sweets out of the house.
 

Bake with it. There are so many recipes that can be found online for leftover Halloween candy; some of our favorites include Butterfinger Cake, Tootsie Roll surprise cupcakes and cookies topped with M&Ms.
 

Bring it to the office. Your coworkers will love the extra treats, and the sugar rush will make everyone that much more productive.


Stuff a Piñata with it. Whether you are having a party or just for an afternoon of fun, you can stuff a piñata with your leftover Halloween candy and let the excitement commence.


Use it for stocking stuffers or gifts. You can purchase holiday themed bags at your local craft store and fill them with your leftover Halloween candy. Most candy will still be good to eat in December.
 

Use it for candy-themed crafts. If you do not want to eat your Halloween candy but don’t want to throw it away either, you can use it to create wonderful candy-themed crafts, such as Tootsie Roll wreaths or candy corn picture frames. These handmade crafts make perfect holiday gifts.
 

Freeze it for later. Most candy freezes well. You can freeze candy in small plastic bags to use for baking or special treats later. You can organize your candy before you freeze it by type, color or your child’s favorites. You can even use your thawed out candy to decorate a gingerbread house in the winter.
 

Use it for party decorations. . You can save your leftover Halloween candy to be used for party decorations. You can create a candy buffet or simply put your candy out in decorative bowls. Your guests will love it.
 

Use it for teacher’s gifts. At holiday time most people are searching for something to give to their child’s teachers. You can have your child help you package up your leftover Halloween candy in handmade bags or boxes to make the perfect gift.

 Have a safe and playful Halloween! 

Social Media Scary!

It was the simple click of a photo posted to her teenage daughter’s Facebook page that left a Langley mom deeply disturbed.

The link opened up a series of shocking images showing two young children, who looked about eight years old, performing sexual acts on each other.

“It’s disgusting,” Traci-Lee Burchell told The Province. “It makes me sick to my stomach.”

Burchell regularly keeps tabs on her daughter Hailee’s social-media activity, but she never expected to find child pornography posted to the 16-year-old’s Facebook profile.

The photo appeared on Hailee’s page without her knowledge after she did something almost every other teen regularly does on social media — she “liked” a page with a picture of a cute kitten that had gone viral.

Hailee’s just one example of how efficient Internet predators are becoming at reaching children on social-media websites. Even more shocking, police say, is that predators are now going after even younger kids.

“What’s alarming to us is the ages of the children,” said Ridge Meadows RCMP Cpl. Alanna Dunlop, who said she has seen kids as young as nine or 10 on social-media sites that are at risk of being targeted.

Dunlop said the problem is widespread, with police jurisdictions across Canada working to better educate the public on how to protect kids from child predators.

Ridge Meadows RCMP are currently investigating a number of cases involving kids being targeted by child predators on websites and apps such as Skype, Kik and Instagram, Dunlop said. In some cases, she said online predators coerced children into sending nude images of themselves.

But in many other cases, young, underage girls sent nude photos of themselves to someone they’re dating in what is often called “sexting,” Dunlop said. When the relationship ends, photos often get posted on social media, she said.

Part of the problem is that kids are signing up on social-media sites at younger ages than ever before.

Vancouver social-media educator Jesse Miller said Thursday that he had just finished a speaking engagement at a school where children in Grade 3 and 4 admitted to having accounts on the photo-messaging app Snapchat. The minimum age to join Snapchat is 13.
But since there’s no age verification, anyone can sign up, he said.

Miller said he expects to see kids using social media at even younger ages, where they will increasingly be put at risk of child predators.

Dunlop urged parents to have access to their children’s social-media accounts, which she said should always be set to private.
She said parents should also ensure their kids don’t accept friend requests from people they don’t know personally, and that they don’t use messenger apps like Kik that lack privacy settings.

For mom Burchell, open communication and vigilant monitoring is key to trying to keep her daughter safe.

A few social media sites where your children may have accounts:

- Facebook: social utility that allows people to connect with friends and others online;
- Twitter: account holders can follow other users and share their thoughts, links and photos in 140 characters or less;
- Instagram: a photo-sharing site;
- Tumblr: a blogging platform that allows users to post text, photos, quotes, music and videos;
- YouTube: site where users can post original videos and comment on those posted by others;
- Google+: social networking site;
- Pinterest: A content-sharing service that allows members to “pin” images and videos to their pinboards;
- Snapchat: real-time photo messaging app;
- Vine: allows users to create and share short videos;
- Kik: smartphone messenger app that allows sharing of text, photos, video and more;
- Pheed: iPhone social app that allows users to share text, photo, audio, video and live broadcasts;
- Reddit: an online community where users share and vote on content, promoting stories to the site’s front page;
- Whatsapp: smartphone messenger app where users can create groups and share text, image, video and audio messages.

This article was originally posted on June 7th in the Province Newspaper.  Read more HERE 

Join us on June 13th, for and evening of Cyber Safety for our Beans and Tweens with special guest Jesse Miller, hosted by Peekaboo Beans. We invite you attend this insightful and informative seminar and learn how to teach your children the guidelines and importance for safe and responsible social media use.

Purchase tickets HERE on-line or RSVP to deana@peekaboobeans.com to reserve your spot and pay for your ticket at the door.  Did we mention we will have snacks and bevies??

And we are excited to support our friends at Playground Builders by donating all proceeds from this event to their amazing organization!

Bean there done that!

How to Tell You're a Grandma!

When I am dropping off, or picking up one of my Beans from their activities, it's often difficult to tell if the adults accompanying the other children are older mothers, or younger grandma's.  Sometimes the differences are subtle but I believe I have learned to tell the difference.  The Mom's often have a kind of deer in the headlights look, their minds racing ahead to what they still have to do.  The Grandma's have more of a peaceful look that says, "I get to drop off this little Munchkin later and then go out for a nice dinner with my friends." I have made up a wee list of what I perceive are clues to tell the difference. You know you're a grandma when: Every night before you go to bed, you have to wash glitter out of your pores.   You have a drawer in your house that holds nothing but glitter, glue, lace, buttons, pipe cleaners, scraps of pretty paper doilies and ribbon.   You have to call a 10 year old to help you reset your iPad and teach you how to text.   You often have breakfast for dinner.   You can actually eat a cookie that a 4-year old made with grubby little fingers.   You make "Fabulous Hot Buns."  (Thank you Miss Colbie Makena Costa.)   You have stars and glue stuck on your T-shirt but you don't bother changing it to go to the store.   When your grandchild does something you would never have let your child do, you just smile to yourself and say "Never Mind."   You look into the mirror and Oh Lordy, a grandma is staring back at you.   You find yourself saying things like Oh Lordy.   You secretly smile when your child tells you their kids are driving him/her crazy.   You get up out of a sick-bed because you promised a wee Bean a Nana/Granddaughter day.   You are amazed at the stuff you used to think was so important.   You get a tug at your heart when a 6-year old sings or dances badly in a play and you applaud like you have just attended a performance at the Met.   Your Motto is "Never pass up an opportunity to just shut up."   You climb into bed with a Grandpa every night, and you don't mind.  And your nightgown now contains more fabric than a backyard tent.   When you are babysitting you have to call the kids to find out how to work the baby monitor.   You plan every outing around where you can get a seniors discount.   Your 3-year old granddaughter has to show you how to buckle up her car seat.   You tell your toddler grandson French Fries are carrot sticks so it won't sound bad when he tells his Mom what Nana fed him while she was looking after him.   But what happens at Nana's stays at Nana's. (You just have to hope that they don't find a wayward fry in the child's clothing! Sorry Jan!)   After you tell your 9-year old granddaughter that you are going to be out of town for Mother's Day, she says, "Please do NOT tell me that my Mom is not going to have a mother around on Mother's Day!!" When your child arrives to pick up her Beans and the wee one's start behaving like Bohemians, you say "Funny, they were perfect angels all day."  Because they WERE!   Sadly, you leak as much as the Grand-babies do! There it is in a nutshell.  No more problems.  You're welcome.

When it comes to parenting, do we have it all backwards?

Originally posted May 7th, 2013 in the Huffington Post
by Christine Gross-Loh
Author, Parenting Without Borders: Surprising Lessons Parents Around the World Can Teach Us

The eager new mom offering her insouciant toddler an array of carefully-arranged healthy snacks from an ice cube tray?

That was me.

The always-on-top-of-her-child's-play parent intervening during play dates at the first sign of discord?

That was me too.

We hold some basic truths as self-evident when it comes to good parenting. Our job is to keep our children safe, enable them to fulfill their potential and make sure they're healthy and happy and thriving.

The parent I used to be and the parent I am now both have the same goal: to raise self-reliant, self-assured, successful children. But 12 years of parenting, over five years of living on and off in Japan, two years of research, investigative trips to Europe and Asia and dozens of interviews with psychologists, child development experts, sociologists, educators, administrators and parents in Japan, Korea, China, Finland, Germany, Sweden, France, Spain, Brazil and elsewhere have taught me that though parents around the world have the same goals, American parents like me (despite our very best intentions) have gotten it all backwards.

Why?

We need to let 3-year-olds climb trees and 5-year-olds use knives.

Imagine my surprise when I came across a kindergartener in the German forest whittling away on a stick with a penknife. His teacher, Wolfgang, lightheartedly dismissed my concern: "No one's ever lost a finger!"

Similarly, Brittany, an American mom, was stunned when she moved her young family to Sweden and saw 3- and 4-year-olds with no adult supervision bicycling down the street, climbing the roofs of playhouses and scaling tall trees with no adult supervision. The first time she saw a 3-year-old high up in a tree at preschool, she started searching for the teacher to let her know. Then she saw another parent stop and chat with one of the little tree occupants, completely unfazed. It was clear that no one but Brittany was concerned.

"I think of myself as an open-minded parent," she confided to me, "and yet here I was, wanting to tell a child to come down from a tree."

Why it's better: Ellen Hansen Sandseter, a Norwegian researcher at Queen Maud University in Norway, has found in her research that the relaxed approach to risk-taking and safety actually keeps our children safer by honing their judgment about what they're capable of. Children are drawn to the things we parents fear: high places, water, wandering far away, dangerous sharp tools. Our instinct is to keep them safe by childproofing their lives. But "the most important safety protection you can give a child," Sandseter explained when we talked, "is to let them take... risks."

Consider the facts to back up her assertion: Sweden, where children are given this kind of ample freedom to explore (while at the same time benefitting from comprehensive laws that protect their rights and safety), has the lowest rates of child injury in the world.

Children can go hungry from time-to-time.

In Korea, eating is taught to children as a life skill and as in most cultures, children are taught it is important to wait out their hunger until it is time for the whole family to sit down together and eat. Koreans do not believe it's healthy to graze or eat alone, and they don't tend to excuse bad behavior (like I do) by blaming it on low blood sugar. Instead, children are taught that food is best enjoyed as a shared experience. All children eat the same things that adults do, just like they do in most countries in the world with robust food cultures. (Ever wonder why ethnic restaurants don't have kids' menus?). The result? Korean children are incredible eaters. They sit down to tables filled with vegetables of all sorts, broiled fish, meats, spicy pickled cabbage and healthy grains and soups at every meal.

The French, as well as many others, believe that routinely giving your child a chance to feel frustration gives him a chance to practice the art of waiting and developing self-control. Gilles, a French father of two young boys, told me that frustrating kids is good for them because it teaches them the value of delaying gratification and not always expecting (or worse, demanding) that their needs be met right now.

The French, as well as many others, believe that routinely giving your child a chance to feel frustration gives him a chance to practice the art of waiting and developing self-control. Gilles, a French father of two young boys, told me that frustrating kids is good for them because it teaches them the value of delaying gratification and not always expecting (or worse, demanding) that their needs be met right now.

Why it's better: Meret Keller, a professor at UC Irvine, agrees that there is an intriguing connection between co sleeping and independent behavior. "Many people throw the word "independence" around without thinking conceptually about what it actually means," she explained.

Why it's better: Meret Keller, a professor at UC Irvine, agrees that there is an intriguing connection between co sleeping and independent behavior. "Many people throw the word "independence" around without thinking conceptually about what it actually means," she explained.

Why it's better: In stark contrast to our growing child overweight/obesity levels, South Koreans enjoy the lowest obesity rates in the developed world. A closely similar-by-body index country in the world is Japan, where parents have a similar approach to food.

Instead of keeping children satisfied, we need to fuel their feelings of frustration.

Why it's better: Studies show that children who exhibit self-control and the ability to delay gratification enjoy greater future success. Anecdotally, we know that children who don't think they're the center of the universe are a pleasure to be around. Alice Sedar, Ph.D., a former journalist for Le Figaro and a professor of French Culture at Northeastern University, agrees. "Living in a group is a skill," she declares, and it's one that the French assiduously cultivate in their kids.

Children should spend less time in school.

Children in Finland go outside to play frequently all day long. "How can you teach when the children are going outside every 45 minutes?" a recent American Fulbright grant recipient in Finland, who was astonished by how little time the Finns were spending in school, inquired curiously of a teacher at one of the schools she visited. The teacher in turn was astonished by the question. "I could not teach unless the children went outside every 45 minutes!"

The Finnish model of education includes a late start to academics (children do not begin any formal academics until they are 7 years old), frequent breaks for outdoor time, shorter school hours and more variety of classes than in the US. Equity, not high achievement, is the guiding principle of the Finnish education system.

While we in America preach the mantra of early intervention, shave time off recess to teach more formal academics and cut funding to non-academic subjects like art and music, Finnish educators emphasize that learning art, music, home economics and life skills is essential.

Why it's better: American school children score in the middle of the heap on international measures of achievement, especially in science and mathematics. Finnish children, with their truncated time in school, frequently rank among the best in the world.

Thou shalt spoil thy baby.

Tomo, a 10-year-old boy in our neighborhood in Japan, was incredibly independent. He had walked to school on his own since he was 6 years old, just like all Japanese 6-year-olds do. He always took meticulous care of his belongings when he came to visit us, arranging his shoes just so when he took them off, and he taught my son how to ride the city bus. Tomo was so helpful and responsible that when he'd come over for dinner, he offered to run out to fetch ingredients I needed, helped make the salad and stir-fried noodles. Yet every night this competent, self-reliant child went home, took his bath and fell asleep next to his aunt, who was helping raise him.

In Japan, where co-sleeping with babies and kids is common, people are incredulous that there are countries where parents routinely put their newborns to sleep in a separate room. The Japanese respond to their babies immediately and hold them constantly.

While we think of this as spoiling, the Japanese think that when babies get their needs met and are loved unconditionally as infants, they more easily become independent and self-assured as they grow.

We're anxious for our babies to become independent and hurry them along, starting with independent sleep, but Keller's research has found that co-sleeping children later became more independent and self-reliant than solitary sleepers, dressing themselves or working out problems with their playmates on their own.

Children need to feel obligated.

In America, as our kids become adolescents, we believe it's time to start letting them go and giving them their freedom. We want to help them be out in the world more and we don't want to burden them with family responsibilities. In China, parents do the opposite: the older children get, the more parents remind them of their obligations.

Eva Pomerantz of the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign has found through multiplestudies that in China, the cultural ideal of not letting adolescents go but of reminding them of their responsibility to the family and the expectation that their hard work in school is one way to pay back a little for all they have received, helps their motivation and their achievement.

Even more surprising: She's found that the same holds for Western students here in the US: adolescents who feel responsible to their families tend to do better in school.

The lesson for us: if you want to help your adolescent do well in school make them feel obligated.

I parent differently than I used to. I'm still an American mom -- we struggle with all-day snacking, and the kids could use more practice being patient. But 3-year-old Anna stands on a stool next to me in the kitchen using a knife to cut apples. I am not even in earshot when 6-year-old Mia scales as high in the beech in our yard as she feels comfortable. And I trust now that my boys (Daniel, 10, and Benjamin, 12) learn as much out of school as they do in the classroom.

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